Touching Wish
by Tasoku
Summary: After a bond between Xing Cai and Zhao Yun when she was little, Xing Cai makes a wish that is difficult to come true without a loss. [Xing CaiZhao Yun fic. Don't like, don't read. R&R would be appreciated!]


A lot of times I was touched, by kids my age and adults. I never really cared, as there wasn't anything wrong with it. Everyone's warmth was always the same in my thoughts; none of them was special for me to notice. Though, one person in particular had a touch I anticipated; it was one I looked forward to every time I saw him.

Zhao Yun.

He would carry me in his strong arms, and hold me high as he can. His smiles always gleamed in my eyes, being so glamorous and beautiful that I had to smile back. I can see that the happiness on his face were always just for me, I knew. His touch would send shivers down my spine; his warmth seeping deep into my skin. Just feeling his simple touch on my cheek would numb me.

I loved it.

I loved every bit of love and compassion he gave me. It made me feel so special inside, that I could have his attention. Just being able to wrap my fingers around his was practically an honor. I wanted to be wherever he went, to see him interact with others and fight in the battlefield of war. In my thoughts, I wished to be just like him; to be strong enough to protect our kingdom and our lord. At the same time, I wanted to be by his side, to see him look at me with glorious pride and love. It made my heart flutter just pondering about it, and with him by me now, I thought it could happen perfectly.

I was wrong.

As the years flew by, we got further apart from what I wished. I was young and naïve back then, being able to always cling to him. But when I got older, people would start muttering false things between us. I can see the discomfort in his eyes when he noticed this, and almost quickly to that he started to avoid me as much as possible. I was upset that he did not want to see me, but it was even sadder to think that he would react so badly to another's opinion. I almost thought that there was absolutely no hope between us...

But fate changed.

When I was of age, I wanted to fight in the battlefield, to at least try to accomplish part of my wish. Father would not allow me to, thinking I was just going to be a distraction. It was only when I begged him that he let me, telling me that I was to be trained by Zhao Yun first and to stay at his side. My heart almost skipped a beat, realizing I had another chance with him. It was only when Father told him that I had to be by his side that I saw him give me eye contact after so long. He gave me a genuine smile, and I smiled back. Everything was going as I planned...

And it didn't succeed.

As he trained me, I thought we would be able to go back to the old times, but it didn't happen. He taught me how to stand in battle, to fight off enemies…but that was it. Nothing else really happened between us, and while we were side by side, we weren't really together as I hoped. I wanted to feel his touch again, to have him look at me lovingly, but he never did. His eyes only had the determined look; to make me a strong warrior. I tried to see if there was anything behind those emerald orbs other than determination, but I saw nothing. Soon, I felt that this was already perfect enough, to just at least be by his side. I tried to make use of this thought, and continued on being trained. When he realized I was content with how we were, he loosened up more and we would have some small conversations between training.

It was hard.

To not stare at him when we practiced, to always look serious in front of his eyes… I could not want him in any way, except to fight. When we had small talks, I had to resist the urge to be close to him, to make contact with his skin. All I could do was smile back, and hope he would never know of my temptations. But at the same time, I wanted him to know, to know that it hurt to just be by his side and merely train. In his eyes, I could only be the daughter of Zhang Fei, the girl he must train for the battlefield... where were the other thoughts he had of me? I could not understand what was behind the mirror he reflected, and no matter how many times I stared at those emerald eyes, it would only show what I already knew; he could not do what I wished he would.

It didn't last long.

The short bond between us…it was quickly gone when I had finally entered the battlefield. The training was over by then; I was ready to fight my own battles. I remember staring at Zhao Yun one last time before I was to fight alongside Guan Ping, to see if it was okay. He nodded, and I knew then that we would not be close anymore… not in the way I wanted it to be. I shook off the feeling of sadness and smiled. I could not let him know I was unhappy. I had to protect Shu, a part of my wish that I could still accomplish. Even though he trained me well, he did not have the look of glorious pride I had imagined. Instead, there was something troubling him, but he tried not to show it. He would only smile slightly at me and turn away. I wanted to ask of it, but I didn't. I knew he would not tell.

But I found out.

The reason why he would avoid me, not want me to be close to him anymore… Why he would not show me any kind of love and compassion like before. I thought at first it was just because of people's opinions but I was wrong. There was more to it than just that. He wouldn't succumb to another's wants, but he would obey a superior's command. When I realized why he must follow orders, it was already too late.

I was to be wed.

To wed our lord's son, a man I did not even know. Out of all the women in our kingdom, Prime Minister Zhuge Liang chose me as his bride; the only one he thought was beautifully fit for our lord's successor. After all this time, I just understood now of why Zhao Yun would always ignore me. He knew that my father wanted me to marry Liu Bei's son when I was to grow of age. It was something already decided between sworn brothers; he could not interfere with it. Finding this out made my heart ache, but it was worst when I found out that Zilong was to go into war with the others and I could not go with him, as my wedding was to be around that time. I saw that he did not oppose to it; he would only nod. I also followed agreed without showing my reluctance, but looking into Liu Chan's eyes, I could already see my own misery that lied ahead.

I couldn't take it anymore.

After so many years of hiding my feelings, I could not conceal it any longer. I could not let life run its course without doing something. I knew this was the last chance I would ever have to be with Zhao Yun, before he would leave to the battlefield. On the night before the march to war, I decided to go see him. I was hesitant at first; seeing him was to do nothing to what was going to happen. But remembering my wish, I lost the feeling and went.

…

It was the best night I ever had, and my last.

---

"…_.Xing Cai?" He whispered, his eyes filled with shock. She nodded, staring at him silently. Immediately, he sat up from his bed, grabbing her arm at the same time. She flinched slightly at the sudden action._

"_What are you doing here? You have to go back—"_

"—_No, wait! I must speak to you…please." He saw the pleading look in her eyes, and his own emerald orbs softened. He could not say no to her. When she saw that he let go of her arm, she continued._

"_I wanted to ask you a question. Do… do you care about me?" She asked, her gaze shifting downwards. He nodded._

"_Of course I do—'_

"—_Not in that way!!... I mean…do you really care for me…more than just a comrade?" She looked up at him, with a slight blush on her face. He paused silently, and turned away._

"_No I don't—"_

"_You're lying..."_

"_I wouldn't lie to you…!"_

"_Then tell me the truth."_

"_I….I can't…" _

"_Look at me."_

_  
"…"_

"_Look at me, dammit…!!!" He looked back at her, and their eyes met each other's. He saw the hurt look in her eyes, and the tears that were starting to form. _

"_If you can't tell me… then I'm sorry for bothering you, Zilong." She stood up and turned. She did not want to cry; not where he could see and hear her. Nothing was going to happen between them, even if she didn't come here, she thought to herself. It was just false hope again. _

_Quickly she tried to leave the room, without looking back. When her body was to leave through the entrance, she suddenly felt arms wrapped around her in a warm embrace. Without realizing it, tears trickled down her cheeks. _

"_Of course I care about you…! Ever since I laid my eyes on you, you were the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. The one I saw I truly loved, the one I wanted to protect so badly… but then I knew that another would want you as well. To know that you were a lord's interest meant that I could never be great enough for you, as you were seen as a goddess in many eyes. I am only a general, sworn to protect our lord…I could never express my feelings to you, no matter how much I do care."_

_There was silence between them for that moment, until she turned around to confront him. He saw her damped cheeks and the noticeable blush still on her face, which caused his grip on her to be slightly tighter. She touched his cheek and smiled softly._

"_I know we could never be together as how we want to… I just wanted to hear you say those words to me, because I care about you too… I love you, Zhao Yun. I really do." He stared into her eyes for a long moment, before instantly placing his lips against hers. Intense warmth disseminated between them, and it lasted for a long period of time as they continued locking lips while holding each other close. When they finally pulled away for breath, he smiled at her._

"……_I love you too."_

---

On the morning he was to leave with the soldiers, I waved at him. He waved back at me, a warm smile plastered on his face. When we were close to each other, he gave my hand a quick squeeze to show that he still remembered what happened last night. I flustered a bit and squeezed his hand back in response. That was the last little romantic thing we ever did, and I still remembered his last words to me before leaving…

"_Shu… our people, let's protect them together."_

Those words held in my heart forever as we parted ways.

I never saw him again, but our kingdom will continue to be protected…

It was part of our wish, was it not?


End file.
